Q My ex and I are co-parenting our 5-year-old daughter. We each have her for a week at a time. For several years, I have been in a relationship with a woman who is wonderful with my daughter, and we recently moved in together.
My daughter's birthday party was last week. All four grandparents, friends, me, my ex and girlfriend were there. I thought it went great. My girlfriend said it was horrible because I was not affectionate with her as I normally would be. I said it would be inappropriate in that setting. Help! A It is completely understandable if you feel that open displays of affection are inappropriate the first time you attempt this type of get-together.
In your girlfriend's defense, you get responses like this from girlfriends when a partner's boundaries are not clear. Since this is the first time you have attempted a celebration of this sort, we suspect you might be sending out mixed signals. Your girlfriend might be questioning if she is as important to you as your child and even your ex -- and she's looking for an open display from you to demonstrate, to those attending this shindig and to her, that she matters to you.
We suggest a frank, private conversation before any such get-together. Reassure her of her place in your life. Then explain your feelings about affection in front of the ex (because such open displays can be perceived as flaunting and might complicate things far beyond a birthday get-together). Then agree on how you will conduct yourselves as a couple in such a situation.
If, after you do all that, she still has problems with how you are acting, take a hard look at your choice of partner. You have a lot of time invested in this relationship, but you had a child prior to her getting involved with you. These issues were part of who you were when she met you -- and you have the most equitable parenting schedule around. It is not for the weak of heart. Your girlfriend needs to get tougher or you might not be the guy for her, either. Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents."