Q: If a bellboy takes a bag out of your trunk and brings it into the hotel before you can say you don't need help, do you still have to tip him? This happened to me yesterday. I said, "Thanks, I can get that," but I was dealing with the valet and couldn't actually stop him. Then he stood at the reception desk beside my bag, obviously waiting for a tip. I said, "I'm sorry, but I really could have dealt with that myself," and he said, "I didn't want you to lift such a heavy bag!" For the record, it wasn't heavy at all -- I put it in and took it out of overhead bins on my flight that same day. However, I felt like a jerk not tipping him when there were other guests standing around.

A: Don't you sometimes wish you were living in a movie? In a movie, you could yell, "Heavy? Let me see. Is this heavy?" Then, of course, you'd pick up your bag and smack Mr. Over-Zealous Bellboy with it, before pronouncing, "Nope. Not heavy at all. Thanks for your concern!"

Sadly, though, in real life, this would probably get you arrested. But please don't feel guilty about not tipping that dingbat. Bellboys have no business taking your luggage anywhere without your permission. And while I think it's important to give tips to recognize good service, this was completely unwanted service. Don't reward that, or he'll keep doing it!

You were clearly right to skip the tip, so, in my opinion, who cares what the onlookers thought. But if you wanted to make it clear you were not simply being cheap, you could have said something further that others couldn't help but overhear. "No, it's not heavy at all, and I prefer to handle my own bags. Next time, please ask rather than assuming I need help," would do nicely.

Actually, it would probably be good for you to say something like that within earshot of the front-desk clerk. The hotel ought to know one of their bellboys is behaving badly.

Q: I am moving from San Francisco to Denver with my pet cat, whom I absolutely adore. I plan to fly and take her in the cabin with me. However, I'm really worried about this because I haven't done it before. What (if anything) should I say to the people sitting around me? What happens if someone is allergic? Is there a chance we won't be allowed to fly? I have a particular start date for my new job and can't risk not getting there.

A: You should definitely tell people sitting near you that you're traveling with a cat. Do this as soon as you board. You want to make sure no one is allergic (more on that a bit later), but even if they're not allergic, everyone will appreciate the heads-up. They can get their earplugs or headphones ready, just in case your cat starts howling like a banshee at 30,000 feet. Also, if this happens -- or if your cat has an accident -- make sure you apologize to anyone nearby. (A considerate traveler flying with a pet would bring plenty of cleaning supplies, too. Then if, say, your cat throws up, you can clean it up immediately rather than subject everyone else to the smell while you run to the bathroom for paper towels.)

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JAMES MURDOCH has some explaining to do following revelations that Colin Myler, then the editor of the News of the World, sent an email to him in 2008 highlighting the fact that more than one reporter at the tabloid knew about phone hacking.

Murdoch has always said he did not know what his journalists at the NotW were up to. Today his claim looks shakier than ever. Edward Wasserman, the Knight Professor of Journalism Ethics at Washington and Lee University, said: "This is a fairly damning document that undermines the claim James didn't know about the hacking till later."

The Saturday defence

Murdoch claims he didn't read the entire email sent to him by Myler because he wasn't in the office that day - an explanation Bloomberg is calling the 'Saturday defence'.

That might work for some. But as the boss of News International, Murdoch was ultimately running two Sunday papers - the NotW and The Sunday Times. Did he really not consider himself ‘at work’ on a Saturday? (The 'Monday defence' might be reasonable for people who work on Sunday papers).

The BlackBerry problem

Murdoch apparently received the email on his BlackBerry, users of which might identify with Murdoch's predicament. As CEO of News Corp he would probably receive hundreds of emails a day.

At this point, email etiquette becomes paramount. It is unclear what the subject line of Myler's email was. Did it say 'URGENT: YOU MUST READ THIS' or did it say 'FW: For Neville'? If the latter, why would Murdoch have rushed to read such an innocuous-sounding email?

Myler might have marked his email as important, but is it possible that he used to 'cry wolf' by marking all of his emails to Murdoch 'URGENT' - even pictures of Lolcats?

So let's imagine Murdoch, during a round of golf or whatever he gets up to on a Saturday, uses his BlackBerry to dip into his inbox. Understandably, he skim-reads the first few lines of each email before moving on to the next message. Big mistake. If you do that on a Saturday, the email is quickly pushed down the inbox queue by Monday, and is as good as dead.

When are emails ‘active’?

Murdoch, overwhelmed by the sheer number of emails, might benefit from the advice of a columnist at his favourite newspaper, The Guardian. In his 'This column will change your life' column earlier this year, Oliver Burkeman explained "the secret to winning the war on email".

"Every email that isn't garbage," he explains, "can be categorised as either 'active' or 'reference'."An unpaid gas bill is active, he explains, while a paid gas bill is reference. An unanswered email is active, unless you've decided not to answer, while an answered email is reference, unless you're waiting for a reply.

Burkeman urges his readers to archive all 'reference' emails in order to leave only 'active' missives in your inbox. Clearly an email from Myler, the editor of his most profitable paper, should have been classed as active (Murdoch surely hadn't decided not to answer it?).

If only Murdoch had followed Burkeman's advice, there would have been no 'reference' emails to clutter up his inbox and he might have remembered to follow up the active Myler email - and thereby change the course of newspaper history. ·

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How much and whom you give holiday tips to can depend on the quality and frequency of the service, and how long you've known the individual, plus the strength of that relationship. It's easy to remember to tip the people you see face-to-face, like your barber, but don't forget the people who do things all year long who you may not see—the newspaper delivery person, say.

This year, 62 percent of those surveyed by the Consumer Reports National Research Center, said they tipped at least one of 15 common service providers we asked about. Some common points on tipping to keep in mind:

If you choose to give cash or a check, one week's pay or the cost of one session is appropriate. For example, if you pay your dog walker $75 a week, give them a $75 tip or a non-cash gift of similar value.
If you regularly tip a service provider like a hairdresser, then adding a small gift or card is a good way to make it special for the holidays. A small gift—scented candles, fancy soaps or baked goods—could be appropriate. Just be sure you won't trigger an allergic reaction or violate other personal diet restrictions.
Know some of the boss's rules. For example, mail carriers can't accept cash and gift cards must be worth $20 or less—and not eligible for cash exchange. Be cautious of giving gift cards, in general, because of fees or expiration dates. And store-specific cards become useless if the retailer goes out of business.
If you give cash to a teacher, it could be misconstrued as a bribe. Instead, try movie-ticket coupons or something similar, or join other parents and pool resources toward something like a gift certificate for a local shop.

Some no-extra-cost tips: Crisp new bills from the bank will seem more special than wrinkly old ones out of your wallet.

A handwritten note is nice too.
And if possible, try to deliver your tip in person.

Our last annual tipping survey showed that many service providers don't get a holiday tip at all. Thirty five percent of women and 41 percent of men said they didn't tip any of the providers on our list. The least commonly-tipped was sanitation workers (only 12 percent of those who used their services tipped), followed by mail carriers and fitness trainers, which were tied (21 percent each). The most tipped was child-care providers (61 percent), followed by housekeepers (59 percent) and then teachers (48 percent).

If your budget is tight, and you just can't afford it, hand-write a note of thanks, because something is always better than nothing. For more advice, see Tips for holiday tipping.

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Q: Do I have to invite all of my colleagues to my holiday party, or may I ask only those I'm close to?
A: No need to issue an officewide invite, Post says. "You can invite only your friends so long as you treat the invite as one you'd send to a friend, not a co-worker." Meaning, send it to their home address or personal e-mail. To avoid hurt feelings, don't talk about the event in front of everyone, no matter how excited you are.

Q: I've often been invited to more than one holiday party for the same date. What's the best way to handle RSVPing — respond to the first invite I get? Wait to see my options?
A: Don't leave your hostess hanging. "Reply as soon as possible, ideally within a day or two of receiving the invite, even if you let your host know that you'll have to check with what your spouse has on the calendar before confirming," Post says. If your closest friend throws a yearly bash, it's OK to call her to ask the date before the official invites go out. "Let her know that she's your priority and you couldn't stand to miss her party," Post says. That way, you won't drag your heels sending regrets to the others.

Q: I've always hosted my extended family for the holiday, but I'd like to bow out. How do I get out of it without ruffling feathers?
A: "I've loved hosting you all over the years, but I'm feeling a need for a change. Is anyone else interested in taking it on?" Post suggests. Try to bring it up early so people can adjust to the idea. Be clear that your intention is to pass along the duties so people don't offer to help cook, leaving you still wearing the host hat. "Make it an open conversation about options for a new plan rather than just saying you can't do it," Post says. "I bet someone in your family has been dying to get their hands on the holiday."

Q: Our houseguests are staying a full week. What happens when we're invited to a party while they're here? Do we have to decline? Ask to bring them with us?
A: "You don't have to spend every minute with your houseguests," Post says. Just be upfront about what you should each expect, starting with nailing down arrival and departure dates. Then, you can say something along the lines of: "We're so happy to have you with us. I thought we would have a big dinner at home your first night here. The next night we have a previous engagement, but I have a few suggestions of restaurants I think you'll love. We can meet up for dessert afterward, if you'd like."

Aim to do one thing together each day. "Then ask what they'd like to do around town on their own and how you can help facilitate it," Post suggests. "For example, 'I thought we'd see some carolers and do some shopping together before giving you a chance to explore that museum you were interested in on your own.' " Remember to make it a conversation, not a directive. "Most people are understanding as long as they have time to plan," Post says. Plus, they may be just as happy to have a little solo time.

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I WANTED to call this week’s story, The Art of Resigning, but then I realised that the resignation process in a chess game is just a part of chess etiquette.

So what is chess etiquette? More than anything else, it means how to behave at the chess board, especially when you are taking part in a competition. Chess etiquette does not mean much when you are playing a social game with your friends but when it comes to competitions, be it a local event or an international-level tournament, misbehaviour reflects badly on the offending player.

Let me bring up this simple example: the start of a game during a competition. It is good manners when both players shake hands before the first move of every game is played. After all, it is common courtesy that the players acknowledge the very existence of their opponents before the start of the game.

If you want to go one step further, you may even want to wait until your opponent finishes filling in the initial details on his score sheet before you start the game.

Of course, this is assuming that you are playing in a local tournament where it is left to the players to start their chess clocks. In international events though, this is not possible as the arbiters will insist that all the games in each round start together and at the same time.

What else can be considered as chess etiquette? Recently, I was told by a friend that he became quite irritated once when his opponent suddenly picked up a piece from the chess board.

Now, the chess laws dictate that a piece, once touched, must be moved or captured, if it can be moved or captured. This offending player realised that he must move that piece but where should he move it to?

Normally, any player would just place the piece back on the board and consider his move. But not this fellow. What he did was to start chewing on the head of the piece as he thought and thought. Any player would be upset if his opponent did that. Now, that’s bad chess etiquette.

Many years ago, I came across a player who brought a novel to the playing hall. It wasn’t that he was reading his book between rounds when the pairings were being prepared; no, he would read the book during the game itself!

That act showed a complete disrespect for his opponents. Initially, nobody complained because everyone could see that it was just a storybook and not a chess book. But unfortunately, he kept winning game after game, and people were starting to get uncomfortable. Right after the lunch break, the arbiter put a stop to it and told him to put the book away. Whatever you do, you must show respect to your opponent no matter how good you think you are.

So now, back to my original peeve, which is the art of resigning a chess game. When would you actually resign a lost game?

Do you resign when your opponent is carrying out a decisive attack on your position and has a big advantage in the game and you know that he wouldn’t blunder his way out of winning it? Would you give up when you are down by one piece, two pieces or more, and you are certain that you are going to lose? Or would you play till the bitter end and wait for your opponent to bring down the axe with the checkmate?

It brings to mind the difference between a sadist and a masochist. The sadist of a chess player would love to make his opponent squirm and suffer long in the game, while the masochist would love to suffer through his own misfortune. Anyway, I was placed in an unfortunate position last weekend when I was playing in the Penang Chess League – one of the very rare occasions that I can get to play in a local chess competition.

There I was, seated across from this young player who refused to resign the game even though I had two rooks and a king, while he had only his king left on the board. A simple technical checkmate that any beginner would know. But we played on almost till the end. Admittedly, I was pretty irritated.

But I know that it may not be the kid who was totally at fault. The young chess players nowadays would have learnt their chess from parents or the local chess coaches. I suppose the coaches would have taught their young charges not to give up the struggle early and that the game is not won until the opponent gives up.

To play till the end of a game shows good fighting spirit. That’s a “never say die” attitude. But for goodness’ sake, teach the kids that they must also respect their opponents. The senior players are not novices in the game; they are not the kids’ fellow schoolmates with whom their games would be played till checkmate. They must be taught how to resign their games properly. And that’s where the parents and coaches come in to teach them to adopt good habits and discard the bad. That’s what good chess etiquette is about.

Up next

Penang heritage open: The Penang heritage city open chess championship which started on Tuesday, will conclude tomorrow. There are two separate events: the open and challenger sections. Both are internationally rated. Nine rounds are being played with a time control of 90 minutes plus a 30-second increment per move.

If you hurry down to the Tanjung Bungah Beach Hotel, you will still be able to watch the final three rounds of the competition. Round seven is at 9am today, while the eighth round begins at 3pm. Tomorrow, the final round will start at 9am.

Sarawak open: The five-day Sarawak open chess tournament kicks off on Monday at the Ultimate Professional Centre, opposite the Pullman Hotel, in Jalan Bukit Mata Kuching, Kuching. This is an internationally-rated event played over nine rounds, 90 minutes plus a 30-second increment for each move.

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There are two ways to host an orgy. One is to prime the scene for the "oopsie orgy," an "unplanned," tipsy night with a handful of curious friends who all happen to trip and fall into your bed after a series of suggestive suggestions... made by you, of course. "It was just one of those crazy drunken nights," they'll say. But we'll all know your conniving secret, you persuasive little perv.

The other is to just come out and say it—in calligraphy print, on nice paper invitations—"I'm having an orgy! And you're invited!" As with any social gathering masterfully planned by a gracious and giving host(ess), there is etiquette to be followed. As we learned in last week's V-Spot, "a mal-hosted orgy of strangers can quickly dissolve into a hotbed of STIs, failed orgasms, over-drugged wastedness and general unsexiness." Let's avoid that, shall we?

Crucial to your success is a carefully finessed guest list. Putting some balloons on your mailbox that say "Orgy Here!" will definitely make your night interesting, but won't make for great group sex. Be intentional with your invitations, sticking to people you personally know (or have at least met).

Make sure your orgy virgin-to-pro ratio is at least 1:3. Having a bunch of nervous nellies naked in your living room won't get anyone off. Invite single friends or open couples who are comfortable with their sexuality and ballsy enough to make the first move. Be sure to invite that one charismatic orgy veteran you know will be first to drop trou.

Whether printed on recycled paper or sent through Facebook, your invitation should clearly state what kind of sex to expect (BDSM, anal, lesbian-only?) and any house rules you might have, such as no video cameras, no hard drugs or BYO sex toys.

Post a list of the house rules at the event site and always make consent and safer sex mandatory. Then make sure to either be sober enough, or elect a designated friend, to enforce such rules.

Keep your guests comfortable while assuming all surfaces will get drenched in either bodily fluids or lube. If hosting at your place, ask guests to BYO blankets, sheets or even mattresses. If reserving a handful of adjoining hotel suites, keep it above Motel 6 quality and your intentions discreet, as an obvious orgy could lead to some unwelcome party crashers. Tip the cleaning crew.

Make sure guests show up relatively sober, and provide low-alcohol content drinks. Though many will require a little liquid courage to dive into the orgy ocean, avoid rows of tequila shots as hammered sex is never good, especially in large numbers. Keep everyone's energy up with light, sensual snacks like chocolate and fruit. Avoid messy, heavy foods and remember that though play parties were made popular in the '60s, it is 2011 and fondue should be avoided at all costs.

Stock up on necessary orgy supplies like a variety of condoms, gloves and dental dams in both latex and non-latex, which could be readily available in candy dishes around the house or stuffed into a pinata! Set up a lube bar with bottles of latex-compatible, glycerin- and paraben-free favorites like Yes water-based, Hathor Aphrodisia and, but(t) of course, Sassy Booty Formula.

Have a box of clean, non-porous sex toys for guests to rifle through, along with available cleaning stations for partner switches. Keep some tasteful, artsy porn like those directed by Andrew Blake projected onto a wall or hire a friend to play porn-DJ. While background music like Portishead or Massive Attack could set a sexy mood, nothing will kill a train faster than playlists involving The Beatles or Spice Girls. Other things to avoid include patchouli incense, air conditioning and sleepy substances like weed.

Finally, remember that while any good host(ess) makes his guests' enjoyment his number one priority, you don't have to be the only one giving out the party favors. After all, it's your party and you can cry out if you want to.

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An Intel poll of 224 human resource managers across the United States conducted by Ipsos showed that 42 percent have received a complaint about an employee's use of mobile technology at work.

Nearly 80 percent said they thought the gadgets could hinder productivity and 85 percent said companies should establish guidelines for the use of mobile technology in the workplace. "A lot of etiquette comes down to how you choose to do it, how you choose to say it, how to you choose to use," said etiquette expert Anna Post.

The biggest etiquette offenses cited in the poll were mobile phones ringing during a meeting or presentation and workers checking emails or surfing the Internet. "Even just checking an email that is off topic is obnoxious to people," said Post, the great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and author of the 18th Edition of Emily Post's Etiquette.

Like many of the HR managers in the poll she believes company guidelines could go a long way in reducing disruptions caused by the inappropriate use of mobile technology.

She suggested companies put mobile phone manners on the agenda and institute what she calls the 50-10 rule during meetings -- a 10-minute break during every hour-long meeting or presentation to check emails and make telephone calls. Post also said during meetings people should be asked to turn-off devices and to minimize laptop windows not related to the topic.

"You need to take responsibility for yourself and do these things on your own," said Post. "When management can come up with policy, all the better." (Reporting by Patricia Reaney; Editing by Paul Casciato)

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Question:
I tend to be comfortable talking to men OR women at a party and sometimes this lands me in an exclusive conversation with the opposite sex. It is only later that I realize that it must have looked perhaps out of line. Nothing suggestive or intimate but the conversation was deep enough to be exclusive. Yet I recall my husband coming into view and that I did not respond with an interruption to my discussion to see what he wanted. Neither did he interrupt. He had been waiting to tell me he wanted to leave. It was not really awkward because the friend is mutual, but I still wonder how I could be so absorbed not to notice and respond to my husband's figure in the proximity. Not sure what my question is, but thought I'd ask anyway.

Answer:
You were engaged in an interesting dialogue. Perhaps, chemistry was drawing you closer to explore your friend. Perhaps, it was just an intellectually stimulating conversation and, God only knows, those aren't easy to find. It's healthy to travel into other people's minds. That's one of the best reasons to socialize, because socializing helps jog the mind to tune into a different channel.

Question:
I'm active in my Facebook community via time spent on the computer. When and where should I NOT mention Facebook? When is it gauche? My circles are not normally out of range, socially, but I forget how it sounds to hear someone mention a topic that reveals their status. Is mentioning Facebook activity a no-no? Such as "I saw that Debbie is going to Mexico?"

Answer:
You never want to be perceived as a snoop. If you're outed scouting info from random Facebook pages, your friends will think you don't have a life. You reveal you're a snoop when you give up gossip about an acquaintance. What's worse is when you look someone up whom you haven't friended and all of a sudden, if you have friends in common, that person pops up in your People You May Know section. Got you!  If you're already Friends, they can tell you're logged on when they see you as Friends on Chat. There's always the possibility that you have your Facebook page permanently in an open window on your screen to, say, keep up on Friends' birthdays, engagements, new babies, and breakups.

Ergo, it would be better to say, "I heard that Debbie is going to Mexico!" Don't say you "saw" she was going to Mexico; say, you "heard" she was going to Mexico.

As to mentioning Facebook, it's like a kid with a new toy who only jabbers about it until it becomes an old toy. There's  a mounting snobbery about Facebook. Who really has three thousand friends? Studies show the normal person cannot possibly manage more than 150 friendships. After a certain number everybody knows you don't really know all those friends. People troll to add numbers to their Friends List gallery thinking it is some kind of competition.  But guess what? The trend is going in the other direction.  It is more about clout.  Who you know rather than how many?  An exception, of course, would be if you were promoting your business, a specific cause, or point of view, which many of us tend to do. Also, there is a growing snobbery amongst men that Real Men Don't Do Facebook. Whatever that means! They might have a Facebook page, but they don't work it, unless it is to promote their business and improve their clout. Which then leads us to looking at other people's gallery of Friends: when people look at your gallery of Friends, what do they learn about you? It is all about how much you wish to reveal about yourself, your beliefs, and how you want to be perceived, as well as how you spend your time.

Question:
What is the correct etiquette for acknowledging a hostess gift?  Is it necessary to send a thank-you note to quests who bring you a hostess gift--a bottle of wine, say, or flowers?

Answer:
As in any social situation, it depends upon the relationship. When you assume you have a reciprocal relationship with the individual, you wouldn't send a thank-you note to your guest for bringing a token thank-you gift. Just as one answers an email with an email and a phone call with a phone call, the proper standard reciprocal is to return an invitation with an invitation. When you know you won't be returning the invitation within the near future because you live far away or just don't entertain, in order to sustain the relationship you would bring the hostess a token gift. The nuance is that the host and guest understand what's expected. The host wouldn't send a thank-you note for a token gift of a bottle of wine, flowers, or box of chocolates because nobody wants a ping-pong game of thank-yous. Does the guest then send a thank-you note for the host's thank-note?  I don't think so. The exception would be if the gift were over-the-top, say, a monogram engraved crystal decanter as a thirtieth birthday present. Then a thank-you note from the host would certainly be a just reward!

The host doesn't invite you for dinner expecting a gift. The best possible reciprocal is a return invitation. When the guest knows that she or he won't be able to do that any time soon, s/he brings, or sends, a token thank-you gift or writes a thank-you note.

That said, the host would express appreciation for the gift when it's presented and again when he thanks the guest for coming. In a subsequent conversation, the host can say something such as, "Those lovely Casa Blanca lilies from Robin Hollow Farm that you brought permeated the whole apartment for weeks." Bringing up a gift at a later time is a wonderfully gentle opening to keeping up the friendship. It is akin to saying, "I know you've just moved and won't be set up for entertaining for awhile, so not to worry because the lilies were so lovely."

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When I was 21, I attended a wedding and tried to leave the house without wearing pantyhose. My mother would not have it. I argued (potentially, whined), that nobody wore hose anymore. My mother declared everyone wore hose to weddings.

It was July in Tennessee. Nobody wore hose ... except my mother and me. Still, she didn't make up that wedding etiquette rule. Hose used to be standard wedding attire. So when did the rules change? More importantly, do we even need them anymore?

In fact, weddings have become so personalized -- I attended a dinosaur-and robot-themed wedding just last month -- that sometimes it seems few rules apply anymore. Once upon a time, engaged couples decided between a buffet or a sit-down meal -- my brother and his now-wife had a gourmet pizza truck drive up to their reception. And why shouldn't brides and grooms celebrate in ways that have the most meaning to their dinosaur-, robot-, gourmet-pizza-loving hearts? As a guest, playful, personalized weddings sure beat attending the staid, cookie-cutter weddings of yore.

Not that I'm recommending everyone throw away their wedding etiquette books. In fact, I think everyone should have one. After all, etiquette wasn't simply made up one day by stuffy women who had nothing better to do. Some forms of etiquette have surprisingly practical origins. Double envelopes, for example, weren't dreamed up in some extravagant why-have-one-when-you-can-have-two world. They had a purpose. And they still do. But that purpose has changed.

The practice of using double envelopes began in pre-postal service years when footmen delivered invitations by horse, and envelopes became filthy en route. So an outer envelope protected the inner envelope. The footmen would deliver the invitation to the recipient's servant, who would remove the outer envelope and present only the pristine inner envelope to the invitees.

Now that we have a postal service, the main purpose of an outer envelope is to get the contents to the proper address. The purpose of an inner envelope, on the other hand, is to explicitly indicate who's invited. So if your wedding is for adults only, the recipients may pay less attention to an outer envelope with only their names on it - they're the ones handling the mail after all, not their children - than they would to an inner envelope that's only purpose is to declare who's invited (i.e., not their kids). Double envelopes also make it clear we're going to a formal event, so we can dress accordingly.

Now, I'm not saying double envelopes are for everyone. I'm simply saying that what may seem like a relic from some long-ago time can still help us today in ways we don't always realize. Etiquette can still guide us -- and sometimes we need the assistance. Etiquette helps the thank you notes of the world go out. (Be honest -- would you write thank you notes unless someone at some point told you that you should?) It's a lovely tradition when you think about it -- simply putting down on paper your appreciation of another person's thoughtfulness.

Double envelopes may not continue. Certainly, they're neither budget-friendly nor earth-friendly. And there are other ways to get across appropriate requests regarding attire and children attendees -- from indicating your preference at the bottom of an invitation (one-time no-nos that are gaining more acceptance) to placing these requests on your wedding website. And online wedding invitations are on the rise, so if you haven't received one, get ready. I've been invited to three weddings via email. It suited the more casual vibe of those weddings, where two of the brides wore cocktail dresses instead of gowns, and all three took place outdoors. Etiquette evolves. But we should know the rules and understand their purpose before we discard them.

That said, I hate to think what Emily Post is doing in her grave right now. Thankfully, she never saw the day that a food truck drove up to my brother's wedding. My mother, on the other hand, handled it well, though she still wore hose.

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I’m trying to teach my 13-year-old son, Nathaniel, to be polite. In a Facebook and Evite world, this is no easy thing.

I get it: he wants to be cool, and in middle school the gravitational pull to move in lockstep with one’s friends is incredibly powerful. But does that mean it’s O.K. for him to be rude?

Back in the old days, when the postman delivered invitations, maybe we’d ask a couple of friends if they were going to the party, too. But we had to be careful not to offend, given that we didn’t know who was actually invited and who wasn’t.

Not today. Now that electronic invitations are commonplace, who hasn’t scanned the “Who’s Coming” list on Evite — before we R.S.V.P. — to see who has said “Yes,” “Maybe” or “No,” and who has “Not Yet Replied”?

Facebook events can be even trickier because they bypass parents completely. A few weeks ago, I received a frantic e-mail from a mom asking me if Nathaniel was planning to attend her son’s party. It was the night before the event, and it was the first I’d heard of it. When I asked my son to see the invitation, the “Awaiting Reply” group (a Facebook category my 19-year-old daughter describes as “only slightly less rude than saying ‘maybe’ ”) was nearly full.

I used the opportunity to talk with Nathaniel about why not replying was impolite. We also talked about what it meant to be a good friend and the importance of acting independently. (I’m hopeful that if I say all of these things often enough, some day they’ll sink in.)

To be sure, sometimes not replying is innocent enough. After all, teenagers are notoriously bad at making plans. And when Evites land in a parent’s inbox, well, with our demanding schedules, we can sometimes overlook them too. But more often than not, our children remain in the indecisive universe that is “Not Yet Replied” or “Awaiting Reply” because they are waiting to see who from the cool crowd is going (or not) or, even worse, are waiting to see if some better prospect comes along. And as parents, we are enabling them.

Most recently Nathaniel received an Evite to a birthday party – along with 101 of his peers. When I went online to R.S.V.P., already feeling sheepish for doing so with only four days left before the party, I couldn’t help noticing that the vast majority of the class had “Not Yet Replied.” In fact, right up until the Saturday morning of the event, the “Not Yet Replied” list remained longer than the “Yes,” “Maybe” or “No” lists combined.

I asked the mother who was hosting the party if this upset her: Did she worry that no one would come and her daughter would be disappointed? Was she concerned that kids who had not bothered to reply would just show up, leaving her scrambling for more food or more supervision?

“I am usually so Type A,” she said, “But the last few years, with electronic invitations, people have become more casual, even a little lazy about responding. I’ve had to learn to go with the flow. I figure I can always order more pizza.”

Are these more casual times? Are we simply lazy? Or is waiting until the last minute to reply — or not responding at all — just plain rude? And if so, what is it about the digital age we live in that gives us permission to be less polite then we used to be?

I suspect there is something about the Internet that simply lets us feel as if we’re off the hook. It’s less personal, so we become less accountable.

Our children may be growing up on Facebook, a world that’s redefined what it means to be a “friend.” But as they navigate middle school — where real friends are everything, being included matters and not standing out is considered a good thing — it’s our job to make sure they understand that it is still important to be polite. Just because the Internet offers them the option to sit on the fence, that doesn’t make it right.

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