In a Season 5 episode of “Seinfeld” called “The Dinner Party,” Jerry and Elaine want to bring a chocolate babka as a hostess gift to a dinner.

But they are anguished when another customer buys up the last one in the bakery, forcing them to settle for the less-than-ideal cinnamon babka. They are so distressed, in fact, that when they arrive at the party, they drop off the cake and immediately leave.

How do you choose an appropriate gift for a holiday host?

Dawn Bryan is the New York-based author of “The Art and Etiquette of Gift Giving” and the founder of lifestyle website Qualipedia, www.thequalipedia.com. Whether or not to bring a gift, she said, depends on: -- The extent of hospitality provided. Yes, if you are a weekend houseguest. No, if you are invited for a cup of coffee.

-- How well you know the recipient. Yes, if it’s a first time visit or you don’t know the host well. No, if it’s your sister wanting you to help clean her basement.

“Because I consider a dinner or party invitation to be a gift to me and/or my family –– a gift of the giver’s time, energy, resources and thoughtfulness –– I feel it is important to express my thanks with at least a token of my appreciation. The host is giving me pleasure and I wish to give it back. It is a way of being a gracious receiver,” Bryan said.

Most guests rely on one of the standard three hostess gifts: flowers, alcohol or food. But those items don’t always fit the situation, she said.

Flowers brought to a formal dinner “can create confusion while the host or others search for a suitable container” and try to fit the flowers into the color scheme. It might be better to send flowers or a plant with a thank-you note the next day.

If you bring wine, let the host know it’s to be enjoyed at a later date. It saves him or her from trying to incorporate your wine into a menu that may not pair well with it. Aperitifs and after-dinner drinks such as cognac, sherries and liqueurs are good choices for people who entertain frequently and formally.

Bringing a surprise dish of food that requires oven warming, refrigeration or a special bowl or platter can disrupt the cook and the planned menu. Ask the cook beforehand if you may bring a dish. Or bring a homemade snack or dessert in an attractive container for the host to enjoy after the event.

“I like to select a gift which I know will be used and appreciated by the host after the party. If it is a late-evening event, I frequently tuck the foods for an easy but elegant breakfast into a basket for the family’s next morning brunch,” Bryan said.

Other suggestions:

-- Host your hosts, promising a dinner or event at a later date.

-- Personalize your gift. Give spices to a cook or a nursery gift certificate to a gardener.

-- Select neutral colors and simple designs when choosing decorative items.

-- Give a gift to the host’s children or pets.

“This past summer, my sister, who lives far away, brought her granddaughter to visit New York City for a week to celebrate her 16th birthday,” Bryan said. “Each morning at breakfast, I would find two beautifully gift-wrapped packages at my place –– one for me and one for my puppy. The gifts were small, but all very thoughtful and pertinent, some of them relating to our Swedish heritage. What fun each morning!”

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A glorious morning, the garden is gleaming with colour and I’m off to the balcony with a freshly brewed coffee and a great book. I’m planning to relax, take in the perfumed spring air and absorb some vitamin D. But when I slide open the balcony door, I’m instantly assailed by the foulest stench ever to rise out of the bowels of Hades.

Our neighbour has been top-dressing his non-existent lawn, with a tonne of the freshest blood and bone, mixed with a dusting of dynamic lifter. I retreat indoors, gagging, just thankful I’m not hosting a garden wedding this weekend.

This neighbour is a new arrival in our street and he’s clearly a constant gardener. He’s one of those baby-boomers who retired early, with plenty of time and money to lavish on his half-acre. Given the indifference of the previous owners, the block is just about a blank canvas, which gives him plenty of scope for creative landscaping.

The impulse to cultivate one’s garden is particularly strong in spring, especially if you’re also making a fresh start in a new home. But as the days lengthen and garden tasks multiply, I wonder how any of us can manage all that needs to be done on our respective patches of nature, without alienating our fellow street-dwellers.

When you’re new to an area you want to establish friendly relations with the locals, and you’re most likely to encounter them when out in the garden. They’ll probably be delighted that you’re trying to revitalise a weed-infested lawn or a parched patch of scrub and rubble. Just don’t antagonise them while creating your little Eden.

There are certain rules of gardening etiquette that should be observed, because noise pollution, pongs, and unsightly piles of gardening material tend to be a drain on neighbourly goodwill.
 
I haven’t always been a considerate gardener. One long, over-heated February, I had a veritable Everest of mulch delivered, but then didn’t have the time to lay it. The great pile sat steaming all summer on the north side of the road, a handy tinder-box for passing bush fires.

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Once or twice it actually started smoking, and I had to hose it down, happily in the days before water restrictions. Now I’m a reformed character – a polite gardener - and never mow, whipper-snip or chainsaw before 10:00 a.m.

But sometimes extra consideration is called for. Just recently, I worked up both energy and inclination to crop the thin covering of weeds and bush grass that sprouted after the rain. I dragged out the mower, oiled its innards, got it running and trundled it over to the edge of the block, only to spot the couple next door entertaining on the verandah.

I felt obliged to retreat and mow another day. I imagined that the sight of my overgrown weedery would be less offensive than the sounds and smells of mowing while the neighbours and their guests enjoyed a Tuscan brunch fantasy over the fence.

Of course we all have to inconvenience our neighbours a little if we’re to keep our gardens gorgeous. It’s a delicate balance, cultivating friendships and flowers in equal measure.

So when you’re tending your new garden, keep the heaps of gravel, mulch, soil and sleepers on the nature strip to a minimum, and pray that the neighbours don’t back into them when reversing out of the driveway.

Tips for friendly gardening:

Don’t cultivate an eyesore. If you’re no gardener, at least keep the place tidy.
Don’t plant to block out your neighbour’s view or light.
Don’t hack away at next door’s plants, even if they are encroaching on your block. Talk to the neighbours first. But do prune fence overhang from your side.
Don’t locate your trampoline or compost heap just over the fence from your neighbour’s outdoor room
Don’t burn garden litter when the wind’s blowing neighbourward, even if it is legal.
Don’t neglect the nature strip – it belongs to everyone.
Do watch what you spray, especially if it’s windy – no one appreciates a chemical cocktail wafting across the street.
If you must use a leaf-blower, do so sparingly; and don’t blow your garden litter out onto the road.
Keep cats and dogs out of other gardens – a poo on the lawn may be the least damage they do.
Don’t plant invasive species – your neighbours may not want them on their block, especially not if the roots are strangling their storm-water pipes.

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Hand in hand with holiday cheer comes holiday stress. After all, when else do family dynamics, work pressures and lengthy to-do lists mix with heightened expectations of merriment? It's a cocktail that can leave you addled — especially when it comes to the etiquette of the season. That's why USA TODAY asked Anna Post, great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and co-author of Emily Post'sEtiquette, 18th Edition, to answer your questions concerning holiday manners and mores. Post's suggestions will appear every Monday until Christmas. (No thank-you note required.)

Q: Things are tight this year — how do I tell my family that I can't afford to exchange gifts without coming across as a total Scrooge?
A: Make the conversation less awkward by talking about it as early as you can. "That way, people can absorb the change in plans," says Post, who advises you be honest and keep your explanation general. Say something like, "Things are tight these days, and as much as I'd like to, I'm not going to be able to exchange gifts."
"Don't go into too much detail, which will keep the focus on the outcome, rather than spurring the person to try to solve your problem," says Post. You might also suggest, if you'd like, other ways to acknowledge each other over the holidays, like exchanging a homemade gift or starting a meaningful tradition that doesn't cost money, like making a date to walk around the neighborhood to check out the lights.
Keep in mind that your family may want to buy you a gift anyway. If so, "go with it," says Post. "They do it because they love you, not because they aren't respecting you and your decision."

Q: It's inevitable that one of my relatives is going to ask, "Why are you still single?" How do I respond?
A: "Prince Charming's GPS must be broken." Deflect the annoying inquiry with light humor, especially if the person is just clueless and not being intentionally mean, suggests Post. "If the person is asking in order to give you a bit of a dig, nicely say, 'Why do you ask?' It puts people on their guard that they were being snarky and insensitive." You can also answer honestly: "I just haven't found the right person yet." No need to elaborate.
If you find yourself fielding this question often from someone who is close to you, like a sister or a colleague, talk to her one-on-one at a later date, advises Post. "Say, 'I know you're interested in my love life, but please stop asking me why I'm still single. I don't have an answer, and it's putting too much pressure on me. But I promise, once I have something to share with you, you'll be among the first to know.'
"Just remember, no matter how frustrated you may be, you need to hold on to your own manners and not let your tone of voice get nasty."

Q: I'm a vegetarian. My mother-in-law doesn't believe a meal is complete without meat. How do I ask her to prepare some meatless meals during our stay?
A: "Asking her to prepare a meatless meal is different from making sure you have enough to eat at the meal," Post says. If you want to make sure you'll have more than the bread basket to nibble on, pick up the phone as soon as you are able and say, "I'm really looking forward to spending the holiday with you. As you know, I'm a vegetarian, and I'd love to bring one of my favorite dishes to complement your meal. Would you let me know what your menu will be?" Make sure your wording is respectful to the work she's already put into the meal planning, advises Post. "A holiday is not the time to ask her to skip the meat," she says. "You don't want to arrive to her home and tell her how to live her life, but you can show her a slice of yours."

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I recently became engaged, and while my fiancé and I have not started planning the wedding, it seems my co-workers are more than excited to help.

How do you deal with co-workers and bosses who expect to be invited? I am close to some and wouldn’t mind inviting a few, but I know others are indifferent about being invited. How do I draw the line? I want a small wedding.  My company has about 20 employees; with their spouses that would be a group of 40 with just colleagues alone!Start now to tone down expectations. Unless you know you will have a guest list of hundreds, you can say something along the lines of: “We’re so excited, but as we get into the realities of planning, it looks as if we are going to have a fairly small wedding.” Or, if you or your fiancé has a large family, you could say, “We already realize that, once we invite our families, we won’t be able to invite many of our friends and coworkers.” Those comments can help get the point across that the guest list will be limited.

It is great that your co-workers are excited about your wedding; that’s a compliment to you. However, once the initial buzz dies down, limit the wedding chat at the office. Even if everyone were being invited (and they’re not), it is best to focus on your professional life during office hours. Outside work, like at lunch with your closest co-workers, it’s fine to occasionally mention highlights: “I’ve found my wedding gown!”

Use tact and discretion when deciding which, if any, of your co-workers you want to invite. You are right: with spouses, fiancés and serious partners added in, the numbers increase. And, yes, you do need to include those significant others. One option is to invite your immediate boss, your assistant, those in your department, and/or those with whom you are closest. A perfectly acceptable alternative is to invite no one from work to your wedding.

A final and critical piece of advice: be sure to mail your invitations to your co-workers’ home addresses, keeping them out of the workplace. A little discretion can go a long way toward avoiding hurt feelings.

Children at an Evening Reception

My fiancé and I don’t see eye to eye when it comes to inviting children to our wedding. I want an elegant evening, and the thought of unruly toddlers with no table manners running around makes me cringe. We are in our 40s with no children of our own, and since we’ll be working for the next year to save money for our wedding, I’d like to have the kind of reception we want.

He, on the other hand, says that parents will be offended if we ask them not to bring children, and that we’ll run the risk of guests not attending. We are planning a small group anyway, of mostly family and a few close friends. There’s no changing his mind, as he does not want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I can’t help dreading the little ones’ bad behavior. I know we are entitled to request that people not bring their children, but my fiancé says I’m worrying too much.

Amy,

Baltimore

Just as important as whether you invite children to your wedding is that you and your fiancé come to an agreement on the issue. Now is the time for a stick-to-the-facts, heart-to-heart conversation with him. Explain your concerns about the potential of children disrupting the elegant ambience of a formal reception. Also, assure him that it is totally O.K. not to invite children. Many couples have kid-free weddings, and many parents wouldn’t expect their young children to be invited to a formal evening wedding. Besides, they may want a chance to enjoy the event without child-care duties.

The good news is that your fiancé is involved in the planning. Plus, he sounds like a caring guy. Listen to his concerns and reasoning with an open mind. Then be ready to offer to explore compromises. Who are the people your fiancé is concerned about? Maybe these are only immediate family members. If so, you could invite only the children of these closest relatives, or maybe you and he could agree that children over a certain age, say 10, could be invited.

Or you could go along with your fiancé and include all of your guests’ children. You say it is to be a small wedding so maybe there are not many children as potential guests. If you do decide to invite them, have a plan, like arranging for a children’s area, complete with kids’ meals and activities. You might hire a babysitter to stay with the children while their parents are enjoying the reception. The event planner at the reception site is apt to have dealt with the issue and may have excellent, reasonable (and reasonably priced) solutions that have worked for others.

Note that I am not saying you must agree totally with having children at your celebration. The point is to work this through as a couple and to stick to your joint decision. You are off to a good start to working through a problem — a strong foundation for your life together.

Peggy Post is a director of the Emily Post Institute and the great-granddaughter-in-law of its namesake. The institute, in Burlington, Vt., maintains and updates the etiquette advice of Emily Post, publishes books by the founders’ heirs and presents seminars.

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Q My ex and I are co-parenting our 5-year-old daughter. We each have her for a week at a time. For several years, I have been in a relationship with a woman who is wonderful with my daughter, and we recently moved in together.

My daughter's birthday party was last week. All four grandparents, friends, me, my ex and girlfriend were there. I thought it went great. My girlfriend said it was horrible because I was not affectionate with her as I normally would be. I said it would be inappropriate in that setting. Help! A It is completely understandable if you feel that open displays of affection are inappropriate the first time you attempt this type of get-together.

In your girlfriend's defense, you get responses like this from girlfriends when a partner's boundaries are not clear. Since this is the first time you have attempted a celebration of this sort, we suspect you might be sending out mixed signals. Your girlfriend might be questioning if she is as important to you as your child and even your ex -- and she's looking for an open display from you to demonstrate, to those attending this shindig and to her, that she matters to you.

We suggest a frank, private conversation before any such get-together. Reassure her of her place in your life. Then explain your feelings about affection in front of the ex (because such open displays can be perceived as flaunting and might complicate things far beyond a birthday get-together). Then agree on how you will conduct yourselves as a couple in such a situation.

If, after you do all that, she still has problems with how you are acting, take a hard look at your choice of partner. You have a lot of time invested in this relationship, but you had a child prior to her getting involved with you. These issues were part of who you were when she met you -- and you have the most equitable parenting schedule around. It is not for the weak of heart. Your girlfriend needs to get tougher or you might not be the guy for her, either. Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents."

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One of the things that I really like about this blog, is that the commenters are (by and large!) courteous, on-topic and full of relevant learning (and languages). The comments engage with, and add to, the blog. Most people have read the original post very carefully .. too carefully sometimes, if you ask me (that's why they pick up all the errors of punctuation.... but thanks all). And they (I mean, you) make the blog more the sum of its parts.

I've only recently come to realise quite how different we are from the usual online postings. I've been doing a few BBC talks and the comments on these are nothing of our sort... there are some careful engagements, that's true, and I'm hugely grateful for those, whether pro or anti. But a frightening lot of the comments that appear on the Have Your Say BBC website seem to be driven by different versions of bile. Same is true for the Guardian Comment, Mumsnet .. or really any big commenting site.

There is an awful lot of 'this is rubbish'. 'you are a complete idiot to write this'... or "ho  ho old lady, do you have a beard?'

My first reaction is slight fear. My second is to wonder what makes otherwise ordinary people write this vicious stuff when they get online, when they wouldn't do so otherwise. It is partly the pseudonyms, I think. On this blog most commenters use their own names, or their first names or initials: you/we/I are there as 'us'. On an awful lot of big public blogs, people adopt all kinds of 'noms de comment' .. like "StrawberryJam" or "RainingCatsandDogs" or "QueenElizabeth1" and so on. My hunch is that this kind of 'para-identity' somehow allows people to write in a way that they would never do under their own names. It gives them a licence to be rude, in a way that they would never be face to face.

Strangely (and a bit unnervingly), some keen commenters seem to bond with their soubriquets. When I misremembered the complicated soubriquet of one regular commenters on Mumsnet, she replied that it was an insult to get it wrong. An insult not to remember an online nickname? Come on..

It's also the sense -- when people are commenting on my online articles -- that they think are talking online about someone who isnt really a person. That's partly why I respond to some of even the most aggressive comments. It's just to remind everyone that there is 'me', a real person, there. And actually one who might  be hurt by unmitigated vitriole.

I also think that NOT to reply is bad in itself. If you 'put yourself about' on the web or the radio, there is a duty (and in a way a pleasure) to respond and discuss. It not only reminds the commenter that there is a human being out there; it also confirms the general idea that we're in dialogue, not just in lecture. And I have found some good friends this way, in the constructive diagreements between 'author' and reader you can set up with 'new technology".

All the same, I do have one basic rule for online commenting. Cut all that "rubbish" amd "idiot" talk; only respond on the web as you would do if you were talking face to face. For me, it's a bit like reviewing: only say what you would say if you met the reviewer over a drink.

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Further, job seekers with an internship under their belt received a starting annual salary of $42,000, compared to $35,000 a year for job seekers who did not complete an internship.

In today's global economy, these numbers speak volumes: internships pay and they're not just for students anymore. More and more adults (including out-of-work Baby Boomers) are securing internships as a foot-hold in a particular industry or as a way to gain entry into a flat job market.

Whether an intern is a college student or a back-to-work Mom, the one common denominator they all share is that today's internship is 'a real job', which means interns (of all ages) must look, speak and act the part.

This applies to the burgeoning field of virtual interns as well, because e-communication matters.

Internship Biz Etiquette Tips

1. Whether you work as a receptionist greeting clients, in the back office stuffing envelopes, or assisting the CEO of a Fortune 50 company, look like you mean business. Rule of thumb?

Dress two levels above your current position.

2. Make a good first impression by shaking hands with everyone you meet. Technique? Two quick arm pumps while making firm, web-to-web contact.

3. Connect with people by making eye contact 40 percent - 60 percent of the time in between the eye brows. Never look below the mouth; it's too personal.

4. Avoid cell phone rudeness. Keep your smartphone on vibrate or a low ring tone and use your library voice when around co-workers.

5. Don't surf the net from nine-to-five. Nothing earns the ire of VPs more than an employee who shops for bargains on net-a-porter or plays solitaire on company time.

6. Nail your dining etiquette skills. If you're lucky enough to be invited out for lunch or dinner with your boss or office mates, bone up on your dining skills: Remember B-M-W (bread, meal, water) is the standard place setting; hold your soup spoon like a pencil; keep all personal items off the dining table; don't order messy food like spaghetti and, if in doubt, take your cue from your host.

7. Virtual interns take note: 21st Century e-communication is no different than 20th Century corporate communication. When working remotely, avoid humor and emoticons which don't translate well on-line; use spell check; check for grammatical errors; remember that people are busy receiving hundreds of e-mails a day. Don't cc everyone in the office.

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Instant messaging was what you did in 8th grade because you didn't have a car and human interaction made you anxious, now you do it because you work at a computer and human interaction makes you anxious. Whether it's on Gchat, Yahoo (it's not Yahoo), iChat (it's not iChat), or AIM (wink) instant messaging has become the quickest, most efficient and honestly least annoying way to communicate with friends and colleagues during the work day. Sure, it's a casual medium, but IM has its own etiquette. In this week's column we talk chat: which normal rules of conversation don't apply and which definitely do.

The Status
Busy, Away, Offline, Available -- chat statuses are great. Imagine if you could use them in real life. Just stare off into space, with your eyes at half-mast and everyone would know you were “Away” and wouldn’t try to bother you with something they just saw on Buzzfeed.

That may not be how life works, but it is how IM works. Statuses are the online equivalent of body language. A tool for conveying instantly and non-verbally what kind of interaction you are looking for. Use them to enhance your chatting life, not make it more difficult. Some suggestions:

Don’t appear online if you are actually unavailable to chat. This is the IM equivalent of dangling a lure in the water, and then ignoring to the fish who gets caught on it: a waste of everyone’s time. If don’t want to chat, but really need to know who’s online just go “invisible” like a boss. Go “Invisible”. Going invisible is like saying, “Don’t call me. I’ll call you.” It’s great if you’re waiting for the person you really want to talk to come online or if you want to sneak up on someone who's been avoiding you.

Do not use your invisible status to sneak up on people who have been avoiding you. This is not “The Most Dangerous Game.” IM isn't the place to “talk about us” or have a fight or interrogate someone about why they have been ignoring your calls. It’s like having a face to face fight while in a dark room wearing earplugs: you won’t be able to understand anything but the shouting. Keep chats light and save the emo stuff for voice on voice.

Don’t have your status always set to “Busy”. You’re not that busy. If you were you wouldn’t be online. Overusing busy is like taking antibiotics for a virus: It weakens the very system you hoped to protect, opening the floodgates to who knows how many sky-diving videos from your camp friend Devin.
But what if you need to be online to talk to one particular person, and don’t want open yourself up to chats from every sector? You could appear offline until they come online, but who wants to be that vigilant? What I’ve seen that works pretty well, is to write in your status, “Available for Bess Kalb”. It’s an easy way to let people know what’s up, and it makes it look like something important is going on between you and Bess. Or Lucy. Basically anyone but Devin. Devin, you have got to stop bombarding me with links to skydiving videos.

The Chat
Most normal rules of conversation still apply, they just need to be tweaked since you’re typing not talking. As in real life, IM-ers must gauge the mood of their IM-ee. Unlike in real-life you have only three ways to do this: time-lapse, exclamation points and the aforementioned statuses.

Time-lapse: Is there a thirty second lag between your "Sup, dude! quick question" and her "hey"? Basically, as soon as your respondent goes from "typing" to “entered text” to nothing, to "brb - have to run to a quick meeting," consider the conversation over. You've just witnessed and excuse-making thought process in action.

Exclamation points: Without tone, facial expression or body language, “hey” sounds like “Fuck off.” But throw in an exclamation point and “Hey!” suddenly sounds like “Hey”. In real life (college essays, first novels) exclamation points should be used sparingly if at all. In chat they should be used often and with great generosity.

One notable place where ordinary conversation rules do not apply is how and when you should end a chat. While it would be rude to exit a voice-on voice convo without saying goodbye, chat adieus are a lot more flexible. The only time you really need some kind of written sign-off is if you are actively IM'ing and suddenly have to go. If this is the case, a simple "byee" or "Woof. I'm out!" will do. And then you sign-off. None of this waiting for the other person to say bye, then saying bye again and then getting into a whole bye-off thing.

No exit announcement is necessary if the conversation has lapsed into silence, since lapsing into silence IS saying goodbye on IM. This is especially true when chatting with non-work friends while at work. Chatting at work is like listening to music at work, a nice background noise but not the reason you're there. During work hours no one should take offense if their Gchat buddy suddenly goes gray.

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With so many things on the go during the holidays, it can be easy to stumble into a seasonal snafu.

Which is why we'll be taking your "I wonder if this is hazardous" holiday questions (Tweet us or add a comment below) and posing them to Karen Cleveland of the Finishing School -- a national column devoted to etiquette, manners and civility.

This week, Cleveland tackles buying gifts on a budget, pulling together a party guest list and gifting colleagues.

How do you handle shopping when you have too many people on your list and are on a budget?

"Ideally before taking to the stores, you have a mutual price range in mind for those you have to buy for (fewer things are more awkward than opening up an extravagant gift when you’ve gotten them something modest in return)," Cleveland says.

She advises shoppers to do their due diligence to ensure they don't feel penny-pinched. "Look to gifts that look and feel rich and plentiful, but that you can whip up on a dime. Write out your favourite recipe and pair it with some cool cooking gadgets and fancy non-perishable ingredients required for the dish. Anything that is homemade or offers up a service (movie tickets with an offer to babysit, perhaps?) are super thoughtful and every bit as appreciated as something with a higher price ticket."

How can you keep your holiday party guest list small without making others feel like they've been excluded?

Holiday parties are the best. But, regrettably, even the best intentioned host can’t accommodate endless guests. "If you're having a small-ish get-together, let those that you're inviting know it's just that: a few friends getting together for a holiday drink. Your sensitivity to not make others feel excluded is an admirable one, so stay true to that: don’t walk around the office banging a pot (or proverbially on Facebook or Twitter), talking about how your party is going to be the event of the year."

And what to do if someone begs for an invitation? "If you feel compelled to invite them, then go on and invite them. Buy another bottle of wine and make room for a few more guests -- that's the spirit of the season, isn’t it?"

Should you buy a client/editor/work associate a holiday gift or send them a card?

"There isn't a rule book on who to buy cards and gifts for, though life would be so much easier if one existed, wouldn’t it? The depth of your relationship, your feelings about a particular person and the budget you are working with all contribute to who ends up on your “nice” list. How to wish someone happy holidays is an emotional decision, so go with your gut."

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Q: My ex and I are co-parenting our 5-year old daughter. We each have her for a week at a time. For several years I have been in a relationship with a woman who is wonderful with my daughter and we recently moved in together.

My daughter's birthday party was last week. All four grandparents, friends, me and my ex, and girlfriend were all there. I thought it went great. My girlfriend said it was horrible because I was not affectionate with her as I normally would be (holding hands etc.). I said it would be inappropriate in that setting. Help!

A: Granted, we understand that get-togethers of this sort can be stressful, but it is completely understandable if you feel that open displays of affection are inappropriate the very first time you attempt this type of get-together, and to expect you to do something other than what you feel comfortable doing, is very bad Ex-Etiquette, indeed.

However, in your girlfriend's defense, we must also point out that you get responses like this from girlfriends when a partner's boundaries are not clear, and since this is the first time you have attempted a celebration of this sort, we suspect you may be sending out mixed signals. In other words, your girlfriend may be questioning if she is as important to you as your child and even your ex-and she's looking for an open display from you to demonstrate, to those attending this shindig and to her, that she matters to you.

We suggest a frank, private conversation before any such get-together, remembering ex etiquette rule No. 8, "Be honest and straight forward" and reassure her of her place in your life. Then explain your feelings about affection in front of the ex (because open displays of affection in front of an ex can be perceived as flaunting and may complicate things far beyond a mere birthday get-together). Then come to an agreement as to how you will conduct yourselves as a couple in such a situation.

If you come to an agreement prior, she will know what to expect and will not be disappointed. Now, not only are your individual boundaries clear, but you have created a clear couple identity in which your girlfriend can relax and feel secure.

If, after you do all that, she still has problems with how you are acting, we suggest taking a good hard look at your choice of partner. You have a lot of time invested in this relationship, but you had a child before her getting involved with you. These issues were part of who you were when she met you — and you have the most equitable parenting schedule around. It is not for the weak of heart. Your girlfriend needs to get a little tougher or you may not be the guy for her, either.

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