I remember my first cell phone. It was one of those cheap, gray flip-jobs that Virgin Mobile had manufactured for poor kids like me. That phone was the first breath of true freedom I’d taken in my overprotective Catholic childhood.

Shortly after I had gotten my phone and passed around my number, I became aware of this freedom’s dark side. Day and night for the past six years, I have been slowly inundated under an ever-growing sea of inane quips coming in at 160 characters or less.

Commonly referred to as the text, these mini messages are the subject of the greatest ridicule and revilement. Newcomers to the texting game often don’t know how to play by its rules.

Who can blame them? The rules of this brave new method of communication have never really been written down. It’s something one learns from experience and on the backs of friendships ruined by improper messaging. Don’t want your poor texting skills to be discussed behind your back? Then let your worries float away, for the Etownian is here to give you some of the basic rules of Texting Etiquette … or Textiquette, for short (or because we’re obnoxious). Below, you’ll find some of the most basic texting faux pas that you should try your best to avoid.

The Double Text

We’ve all been there. You get that buzzing in your pocket that lets you know you have a text. Hooray! Somebody cares! You read it, and it’s just your friend saying that dinner is at 5:30 or something. You put the phone back in your pocket, wishing it had been something a little more important. But then … there’s another vibration! Holy Christ, you’re popular tonight! You open your phone in a hurry. Maybe you even drop it because you’re shaking with anticipation.

But then your phone’s screen reveals the awful truth: your friend just has a really twitchy trigger finger, and it’s a duplicate of that same message. You’re as unpopular and painfully alone as you’ve always been, and this is just a cruel reminder of it. Now all you can do is down a whole pint of Chunky Monkey, watch “Sleepless in Seattle” and cry — just to soften the pain of how untextable you are.

Perhaps this example is a bit over-the-top, but, still — the polite texter sends each message only once so he can save his friends from similar heartbreak.

The Text that Just Says ‘K’

No, seriously — if I have to explain this any further to you, just drop your phone in Lake Placida and stop talking to people altogether. People who just say “K” are about as bad as the folks who hit “Reply All” and spam all of the College’s e-mail accounts. And these people are starting to get creative in their methods to fill our cell phones’ inboxes. Now, you’ll send somebody what you assume to be the last text in a conversation, and five seconds later, they reply, “LOL.” Stuff like this only results in aggravated sighs and strained friendships. Seriously, my last message said “Okay, I’ll bring the coffee then,” and you replied “LOL.” Coffee is serious business! It is NOT funny! “LOL” has become this awkward placeholder phrase when you have nothing else to say.

So folks, please … if a conversation has come to a satisfying end, don’t try to comment further.

Texting Someone Who is Literally RIGHT Next to You.

Don’t even try to act like it’s not painfully obvious. You and your friend are sitting quietly while conversation rages around you. You pull out your phone and type something really quick. Not an instant later, your friend pulls out her phone, laughs and types something in her phone. Then the cycle repeats ad nauseam … or until somebody smacks the two of you. People have lungs and vocal chords for a reason. For the love of God, use them.

Okay, this particular sin is socially acceptable if y’all are sending judgmental messages about somebody who is nearby (though shame on you for judging). Also, if you’re conspiring against someone within 3 feet of you, then adjacent texting is perfectly fine … but whatever you’re planning had better be awesome.

Texts that Lack Proper Spelling and Grammar

Back in high school, one of my English teachers caught somebody texting in class and read it aloud. He couldn’t finish it, though, because 40 characters in he broke down crying. That’s how bad “text-speak” has become.

C’mon guys, at least try to write out whole words and have some semblance of sentence structure. We could at least pretend that we are not a generation of yokels, couldn’t we?

Texts that Span 14 Messages in Rapid Succession

So your professor in intro-to-whatever was really awkward today. Maybe he did a string of unfortunate poses or said something vaguely sexual that made all the girls in the class cringe a little bit. Maybe then he realized his error, and his desperate attempts to cover up that awkwardness were even more uncomfortable. That’s kind of hilarious and all, but you really don’t need to tell me every single detail of this incredibly drawn out story over the winding course of 22 hurriedly written texts. Seriously, just call me already. The Texting Gods gave us 160 characters for a reason. Is my voice really that annoying, or do you just like having bloody thumbs?

Forwarding Chain Texts

Back in the day, e-mail used to be trendy and cool. Then our parents got a hold of it, and with that, our primitive inboxes were suddenly filled with chain messages threatening everything from losing our only chance at true love to an enormous solar flare wiping out all life on Earth if we didn’t send 15 copies of this message to our closest friends. Ever since then, e-mail has been more annoying than convenient.

But then we got texting! And it, too, was trendy and cool for awhile, but now our parents have gotten a hold of it. Now, desperately bored housewives everywhere are sending inane chain texts to their children. Of course, some of those children are jerks and will text those messages to all of their friends just for the fun of it.

I received my first chain text last week. It told me all my dreams would come true if I just wasted $8 worth of data fees by forwarding it to 20 people. Upon reading it I cried a single tear, for at that moment I came to the realization that nothing is sacred.

No, I will not die or lose the love of my life by midnight tonight if I don’t forward this message to 15 of my friends. What will really happen is this: if you send me another one of these … I will stab you.

Truth be told, we’ve only really touched the tip of the iceberg when it comes to those awkward texting moments that can botch up your day. To go over every rule of texting would require a lot more than this skimpy newspaper. Hopefully these meager guidelines will be enough to send you on your way to texting enlightenment.